The Year of Ah Ha

It’s crazy blogging at 1:30 in the morning.  I have enjoyed a really lazy Sunday with little to no noise since the boys are with their dad this weekend.  I really should be asleep right now, since I have to go to work tomorrow (today?) but I’m too restless with my thoughts at the moment.

I keep thinking about the Sunday School lesson about turning the hearts of  the children to the fathers and the hearts of the fathers to the children.  My heart was turned to my father this afternoon during tithing settlement when my bishop offered to give me a blessing.  I don’t ask for blessings anymore, although I know I should.  It has been so long since I’ve had one that I can’t remember when the last one was.  Of course, I have a horrible memory, so it may not have been as long ago as I make it sound.  But that’s not the point.  When the bishop put his hands on my head, he hesitated for just a second or two and I felt an outpouring of love from my dad.  I wish I could say that I had enough faith to have felt his presence, but I’m not sure that’s really what it was.  I felt loved.  It is so often now that I feel alone, that I forget how different it feels not to feel alone.  That’s what that feeling felt like.  And yet in my silly little lonely head I silently begged the bishop to bless me with a promise of marriage in my near future.  He did not.  I chide myself now for those thoughts, because what he did say was so much more applicable in my life right now.

I was blessed with patience and wisdom.  I was told that Heavenly Father is pleased with me and that I have been a good mother.  He said that my Father knows of my feelings and how difficult life is for me right now.  I was told that the little things which tend to irritate me will be lessened and that I will be able to better forgive those in my life who have need of forgiveness.

I keep looking for small signs that my future will not be a lonely one; that I will one day know the joy of sharing my life with a  worthy companion.  But my focus is so mioptic!  I have been blessed with so much more than I am worthy to receive.  I fear that if I continue to burden the Lord with my pleas for a good husband that I will no longer receive the blessings He has so willingly bestowed on me.

A few years ago Julie and I began a playful game that at the end of each year we would dub it with a name:  2002 = the year of hell (no explanation needed, of course); 2003 = the year of healing; and so on.  I don’t remember a lot of the names we gave each year, but as time went on our names became very different from each other’s.  And now that we are nearing the end of another year I think that 2009 has earned the title  “the year of  ‘Ah ha’”.

I have learned some very painful lessons this year.  Or should I say that I have RE-learned some very painful lessons.  I think it has finally settled in.  I am learning that my strengths are also my weaknesses.  I have a good friend who once told me that he is “loyal to a fault”.  I didn’t understand it at the time, but I know now what he was trying to tell me.  And if I had known myself better at the time, I would have been able to admit that I am also loyal to a fault.  Not too long ago, I would have knowingly sacrificed my own eternal happiness to be with someone I didn’t truly love, simply because I was loyal to him.  I have done that over and over again in my life – my marriage included.  And taking that thought further, I have finally been able to recognize that my gift of empathy has played a very large part in my unhappiness this year.  I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, of course.  Quite the contrary!  I am very grateful for the gift I have of being able to make and keep close relationships with both men and women.  I am loyal to my friends and my family, despite the hurt I felt from both throughout the years.  And my deep loyalty to them has given me the power to forgive when necessary.  I tend to put myself in other’s shoes so often that I forget I only wear a size 5 and other’s shoes are generally too large for me to wear for too long.

So what am I trying to say?  Actually, I don’t know if I have a point.  It’s now passed 2 AM and I may just be delirious at this point.

I’m just grateful for what I have learned this year.  I often complain that I’m tired of “learning experiences” and wish to move on.  But that is exactly why I haven’t moved on yet, I guess.  I’m still a work in progress.  I still have some fine-tuning left.  I am a piece of silver not yet completely refined of impurities.  So I move into a new year; a new “learning experience”.  Perhaps I will have finally stopped re-learning the old lessons and start learning something new.

Remembering Sesame Street

I haven't blogged in so long, I almost forgot how to do it! But here's one blog I can't resist posting. Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary on Tuesday, November 10th. I found the following article on CNN.com. Enjoy! And go get nostalgic!

In the early days of "Sesame Street" -- that is, B.E. (Before Elmo) -- Sesame Street was a pretty grimy place. The brownstone at 123 Sesame Street looked like it needed a serious power washing, the storefront of Mr. Hooper's shop was intentionally dingy and the Fix-It Shop's window was cluttered with toasters. It was gritty, but gritty in a magical way.

When the show started in 1969 ("Sesame Street" will celebrate its 40th anniversary on November 10), the concept of educational television programming was nothing short of revolutionary. "Sesame Street" was originally intended as a learning tool for inner-city children -- not only as a supplement to their lessons in math and the ABCs but to teach them to be good people and show them that learning can be fun.

Those early years are now available on DVD; and the discs contain a disclaimer that essentially states that they are intended for nostalgia purposes only. The warning reads as follows:

"These early 'Sesame Street' episodes are intended for grown-ups, and may not suit the needs of today's preschool child."

Say what!? Never did I ever think I'd see "Sesame Street" and "intended for grown-ups" in the same sentence.

On the DVDs, Cookie Monster can be seen as his character of Alistair Cookie in his "Monsterpiece Theatre" segment (a spoof of Alistair Cooke's "Masterpiece Theatre") smoking a pipe.

Yep, Cookie Monster smoked.

He later eats the pipe because, as he was often prone to doing, he thinks the pipe is a cookie. Cookie Monster used to become so overwhelmed by his desire for cookies that he'd start seeing (hallucinating about?) cookies that weren't actually there. He'd eat (rotary) telephones, typewriters (what are those?), pencils, almost anything. It was funny.

Today, Cookie Monster's diet is much more balanced, as he has adopted the philosophy that cookies are a "sometimes food." Cookie coincidentally changed his tune in 2006 amidst reports that childhood obesity had reached epidemic proportions.

Early "Sesame Street" had some other elements that would not pass muster today. Oscar the Grouch is just plain nasty, children are seen riding their bikes without helmets, and there's even a sketch where the human character of Gordon can be seen approaching a little girl on the street. He takes her by the hand and brings her into his house for milk and cookies (again with the cookies!). Clearly, that could be misinterpreted by today's standards.

Now, some 4,000 episodes later, 123 Sesame Street has gotten that power washing. Peeling paint is nowhere to be found, and the only visible garbage can has a tenant. It's much more sanitized. I'm tempted to make fun of this, but then I notice the bottle of anti-bacterial hand gel on my desk and bite my proverbial tongue.

For better or worse, today's preschooler is very different from the 1969 version. And children's television programming simply has to reflect that.

But one thing hasn't changed on "Sesame Street": the unflinchingly genuine attitudes of its residents. For 40 years, they have taught us that sometimes we are going to get hurt, cry and be lonely. They've taught us that there'll also be times when we're downright jovial. All the while, those characters have remained sincere.

We may never see Cookie Monster eat a pipe again, but luckily the memories are preserved on DVD, and in our hearts.