It’s crazy blogging at 1:30 in the morning. I have enjoyed a really lazy Sunday with little to no noise since the boys are with their dad this weekend. I really should be asleep right now, since I have to go to work tomorrow (today?) but I’m too restless with my thoughts at the moment.
I keep thinking about the Sunday School lesson about turning the hearts of the children to the fathers and the hearts of the fathers to the children. My heart was turned to my father this afternoon during tithing settlement when my bishop offered to give me a blessing. I don’t ask for blessings anymore, although I know I should. It has been so long since I’ve had one that I can’t remember when the last one was. Of course, I have a horrible memory, so it may not have been as long ago as I make it sound. But that’s not the point. When the bishop put his hands on my head, he hesitated for just a second or two and I felt an outpouring of love from my dad. I wish I could say that I had enough faith to have felt his presence, but I’m not sure that’s really what it was. I felt loved. It is so often now that I feel alone, that I forget how different it feels not to feel alone. That’s what that feeling felt like. And yet in my silly little lonely head I silently begged the bishop to bless me with a promise of marriage in my near future. He did not. I chide myself now for those thoughts, because what he did say was so much more applicable in my life right now.
I was blessed with patience and wisdom. I was told that Heavenly Father is pleased with me and that I have been a good mother. He said that my Father knows of my feelings and how difficult life is for me right now. I was told that the little things which tend to irritate me will be lessened and that I will be able to better forgive those in my life who have need of forgiveness.
I keep looking for small signs that my future will not be a lonely one; that I will one day know the joy of sharing my life with a worthy companion. But my focus is so mioptic! I have been blessed with so much more than I am worthy to receive. I fear that if I continue to burden the Lord with my pleas for a good husband that I will no longer receive the blessings He has so willingly bestowed on me.
A few years ago Julie and I began a playful game that at the end of each year we would dub it with a name: 2002 = the year of hell (no explanation needed, of course); 2003 = the year of healing; and so on. I don’t remember a lot of the names we gave each year, but as time went on our names became very different from each other’s. And now that we are nearing the end of another year I think that 2009 has earned the title “the year of ‘Ah ha’”.
I have learned some very painful lessons this year. Or should I say that I have RE-learned some very painful lessons. I think it has finally settled in. I am learning that my strengths are also my weaknesses. I have a good friend who once told me that he is “loyal to a fault”. I didn’t understand it at the time, but I know now what he was trying to tell me. And if I had known myself better at the time, I would have been able to admit that I am also loyal to a fault. Not too long ago, I would have knowingly sacrificed my own eternal happiness to be with someone I didn’t truly love, simply because I was loyal to him. I have done that over and over again in my life – my marriage included. And taking that thought further, I have finally been able to recognize that my gift of empathy has played a very large part in my unhappiness this year. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, of course. Quite the contrary! I am very grateful for the gift I have of being able to make and keep close relationships with both men and women. I am loyal to my friends and my family, despite the hurt I felt from both throughout the years. And my deep loyalty to them has given me the power to forgive when necessary. I tend to put myself in other’s shoes so often that I forget I only wear a size 5 and other’s shoes are generally too large for me to wear for too long.
So what am I trying to say? Actually, I don’t know if I have a point. It’s now passed 2 AM and I may just be delirious at this point.
I’m just grateful for what I have learned this year. I often complain that I’m tired of “learning experiences” and wish to move on. But that is exactly why I haven’t moved on yet, I guess. I’m still a work in progress. I still have some fine-tuning left. I am a piece of silver not yet completely refined of impurities. So I move into a new year; a new “learning experience”. Perhaps I will have finally stopped re-learning the old lessons and start learning something new.
2 comments:
My youngest daughter almost always includes in her prayers a certain statement about being grateful for our trials... There has been more than one occasion when that statement has led me to pause a moment before offering my "amen" at the conclusion of her prayer. It is difficult to look at the difficulties of life with a sense of gratitude.
"The Year of Ah Ha" -- and now "Take On Me" is running through my head. ;)
Life is a learning experience and we will never be fully polished until long after we have left the realm of mortality. I know you know that. So maybe the lesson is "learn every time the lesson comes up". In a related way, the Church does the same thing -- the Sunday School lessons are constantly repeating the same messages. But guess what -- those are the lessons we need to keep hearing, every week, every year, until we are on to the next phase of existence (and then maybe we get to repeat a few of those lessons there too).
Dad used to say that empathy is a two-edged sword. You can just as easily hurt yourself as you help another. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't strive to be empathetic (and I dare say you are probably a lot better than many, myself included). But two-edged swords need to be handled with care and skill, which takes training and practice. So you get to learn how to use your gift -- over and over and over again.
Now take it one step further. If our Eternal Father is perfect, then His love and empathy are perfect. And if our goal is to be like Him, then we must suffer through the refining moments that He did so that we can have that empathy that only a God could handle possessing. We cannot imagine what it is like to have empathy for all of God's children and not become so overwhelmed that we end up a puddle of sorrow and pain. We experience the smallest touch through our limited exposure here in this life by having children and relationships. But what joy and sorrow must He feel as He watches over His children!
We foolish mortals often think that no one understands and that we are alone. But that has never been, nor will it ever be, the case. He loves us more than we can imagine and He never leaves us alone. We have to be reminded of that fact all too often. But even our forgetting does not diminish His love and care for us. We struggle with our problems, our grief, our issues, our challenges. But He is always there and He has sent others to help us. We must not deny His love by shutting out His servants. If you ever feel you need a little help, please reach out.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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