The Year of Ah Ha

It’s crazy blogging at 1:30 in the morning.  I have enjoyed a really lazy Sunday with little to no noise since the boys are with their dad this weekend.  I really should be asleep right now, since I have to go to work tomorrow (today?) but I’m too restless with my thoughts at the moment.

I keep thinking about the Sunday School lesson about turning the hearts of  the children to the fathers and the hearts of the fathers to the children.  My heart was turned to my father this afternoon during tithing settlement when my bishop offered to give me a blessing.  I don’t ask for blessings anymore, although I know I should.  It has been so long since I’ve had one that I can’t remember when the last one was.  Of course, I have a horrible memory, so it may not have been as long ago as I make it sound.  But that’s not the point.  When the bishop put his hands on my head, he hesitated for just a second or two and I felt an outpouring of love from my dad.  I wish I could say that I had enough faith to have felt his presence, but I’m not sure that’s really what it was.  I felt loved.  It is so often now that I feel alone, that I forget how different it feels not to feel alone.  That’s what that feeling felt like.  And yet in my silly little lonely head I silently begged the bishop to bless me with a promise of marriage in my near future.  He did not.  I chide myself now for those thoughts, because what he did say was so much more applicable in my life right now.

I was blessed with patience and wisdom.  I was told that Heavenly Father is pleased with me and that I have been a good mother.  He said that my Father knows of my feelings and how difficult life is for me right now.  I was told that the little things which tend to irritate me will be lessened and that I will be able to better forgive those in my life who have need of forgiveness.

I keep looking for small signs that my future will not be a lonely one; that I will one day know the joy of sharing my life with a  worthy companion.  But my focus is so mioptic!  I have been blessed with so much more than I am worthy to receive.  I fear that if I continue to burden the Lord with my pleas for a good husband that I will no longer receive the blessings He has so willingly bestowed on me.

A few years ago Julie and I began a playful game that at the end of each year we would dub it with a name:  2002 = the year of hell (no explanation needed, of course); 2003 = the year of healing; and so on.  I don’t remember a lot of the names we gave each year, but as time went on our names became very different from each other’s.  And now that we are nearing the end of another year I think that 2009 has earned the title  “the year of  ‘Ah ha’”.

I have learned some very painful lessons this year.  Or should I say that I have RE-learned some very painful lessons.  I think it has finally settled in.  I am learning that my strengths are also my weaknesses.  I have a good friend who once told me that he is “loyal to a fault”.  I didn’t understand it at the time, but I know now what he was trying to tell me.  And if I had known myself better at the time, I would have been able to admit that I am also loyal to a fault.  Not too long ago, I would have knowingly sacrificed my own eternal happiness to be with someone I didn’t truly love, simply because I was loyal to him.  I have done that over and over again in my life – my marriage included.  And taking that thought further, I have finally been able to recognize that my gift of empathy has played a very large part in my unhappiness this year.  I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, of course.  Quite the contrary!  I am very grateful for the gift I have of being able to make and keep close relationships with both men and women.  I am loyal to my friends and my family, despite the hurt I felt from both throughout the years.  And my deep loyalty to them has given me the power to forgive when necessary.  I tend to put myself in other’s shoes so often that I forget I only wear a size 5 and other’s shoes are generally too large for me to wear for too long.

So what am I trying to say?  Actually, I don’t know if I have a point.  It’s now passed 2 AM and I may just be delirious at this point.

I’m just grateful for what I have learned this year.  I often complain that I’m tired of “learning experiences” and wish to move on.  But that is exactly why I haven’t moved on yet, I guess.  I’m still a work in progress.  I still have some fine-tuning left.  I am a piece of silver not yet completely refined of impurities.  So I move into a new year; a new “learning experience”.  Perhaps I will have finally stopped re-learning the old lessons and start learning something new.

Remembering Sesame Street

I haven't blogged in so long, I almost forgot how to do it! But here's one blog I can't resist posting. Sesame Street is celebrating its 40th anniversary on Tuesday, November 10th. I found the following article on CNN.com. Enjoy! And go get nostalgic!

In the early days of "Sesame Street" -- that is, B.E. (Before Elmo) -- Sesame Street was a pretty grimy place. The brownstone at 123 Sesame Street looked like it needed a serious power washing, the storefront of Mr. Hooper's shop was intentionally dingy and the Fix-It Shop's window was cluttered with toasters. It was gritty, but gritty in a magical way.

When the show started in 1969 ("Sesame Street" will celebrate its 40th anniversary on November 10), the concept of educational television programming was nothing short of revolutionary. "Sesame Street" was originally intended as a learning tool for inner-city children -- not only as a supplement to their lessons in math and the ABCs but to teach them to be good people and show them that learning can be fun.

Those early years are now available on DVD; and the discs contain a disclaimer that essentially states that they are intended for nostalgia purposes only. The warning reads as follows:

"These early 'Sesame Street' episodes are intended for grown-ups, and may not suit the needs of today's preschool child."

Say what!? Never did I ever think I'd see "Sesame Street" and "intended for grown-ups" in the same sentence.

On the DVDs, Cookie Monster can be seen as his character of Alistair Cookie in his "Monsterpiece Theatre" segment (a spoof of Alistair Cooke's "Masterpiece Theatre") smoking a pipe.

Yep, Cookie Monster smoked.

He later eats the pipe because, as he was often prone to doing, he thinks the pipe is a cookie. Cookie Monster used to become so overwhelmed by his desire for cookies that he'd start seeing (hallucinating about?) cookies that weren't actually there. He'd eat (rotary) telephones, typewriters (what are those?), pencils, almost anything. It was funny.

Today, Cookie Monster's diet is much more balanced, as he has adopted the philosophy that cookies are a "sometimes food." Cookie coincidentally changed his tune in 2006 amidst reports that childhood obesity had reached epidemic proportions.

Early "Sesame Street" had some other elements that would not pass muster today. Oscar the Grouch is just plain nasty, children are seen riding their bikes without helmets, and there's even a sketch where the human character of Gordon can be seen approaching a little girl on the street. He takes her by the hand and brings her into his house for milk and cookies (again with the cookies!). Clearly, that could be misinterpreted by today's standards.

Now, some 4,000 episodes later, 123 Sesame Street has gotten that power washing. Peeling paint is nowhere to be found, and the only visible garbage can has a tenant. It's much more sanitized. I'm tempted to make fun of this, but then I notice the bottle of anti-bacterial hand gel on my desk and bite my proverbial tongue.

For better or worse, today's preschooler is very different from the 1969 version. And children's television programming simply has to reflect that.

But one thing hasn't changed on "Sesame Street": the unflinchingly genuine attitudes of its residents. For 40 years, they have taught us that sometimes we are going to get hurt, cry and be lonely. They've taught us that there'll also be times when we're downright jovial. All the while, those characters have remained sincere.

We may never see Cookie Monster eat a pipe again, but luckily the memories are preserved on DVD, and in our hearts.

My Theme Song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBR2G-iI3-I&feature=fvw

Just in case you haven't seen my facebook, here it is to enjoy! I love girl power!!

Black Eye?

Yesterday was one of those crazy-busy days.
5:30 AM - alarm went off. I hit snooze.
6:04 AM - I realized it wasn't the snooze button I hit. And now I had about 30 minutes to get showered and dressed and drag two boys out of bed. Since it was Wednesday I had to think about breakfast, lunch, and dinner all in one fell swoop.
6:50 AM - Rushed boys to school, get to work slightly late
7:15 AM - settled down at my desk to catch up on past-due assignments. Happy to say I caught up. (Yay me!)
3:00 PM - left work
3:20 PM - met boys at grandma's house, made dinner, helped with homework.
4:50 PM - drove boys to gymnastics. Get call from colleague saying mutual friend just lost her dad. Offered to buy flowers and a card.
5:20 PM - dropped boys off. Rushed to the gym. Worked out... vigorously.
6:00 PM - stopped at Safeway to pick up flowers and card. Bawled while reading the stupid cards. (No really, they were pretty lame. Not sure why I was being such a baby about it.) Bought a Chicken Soup for the Soul book and read a funny passage. (Ahh.)
6:30 PM - Drove back to boys' gymnastics
7:00 PM - Picked up boys early from gym, had B~ change into cub uniform in the car, drove to the church.
7:45 PM - Picked up B~ early from cubs, drove to Palo Alto for meeting.
8:15 PM - Sat in meeting, ate cookies.
9:30 PM - Gave friend flowers and card, stood around and chatted, colleague made comment "your eyeliner is smudged".
10:00 PM - put sleepy boys in bed, look in mirror at non-existant eyeliner, said "huh", went to bed.

6:00 AM (today) - looked in mirror. Black eye.

Any thoughts??

Twitterpated

So for the first time in over a year, I can actually say I was twitterpated. Yep, you read it right, I said "was". It fizzled out when Spring decided to take a vacation and move onto Summer this week. (95 degree weather in Sunnyvale, CA!!)

Sorry, but I just can't be twitterpated in the summertime. Haven't you seen Bambi?

"Have a Great Green Day!"

At the elementary school where I work, the kids do all the morning announcements. At the end they always say, "Have a great green day!" (Eh, it's California.)

Today is Earth Day. I am happy to say that my family recycles and reuses all trash except food and yard waste. Yay us!

However, even though I love and respect the earth, I still love driving my SUV. *shrug*

Oh! And I'm not ashamed to admit that this morning I killed a big black spider that had the audacity to run across my kitchen floor. Sorry, but even though I respect all forms of life, I don't have to let them live with me!!

P.S. Happy 94th birthday Grandma Webb!!

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!

Yep, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Come Monday, I'm another year older. Perhaps I'm even wiser... let's hope.

Walmart or Target?

As a childcare provider, I'm the lucky recipient of many gift cards during Christmas time. I get everything from Jamba Juice to Bath and Body Works. I don't even feel uncomfortable walking into Starbucks anymore.

This year among my booty I got four gift cards to Target and one to Walmart. I hate going to Walmart. Besides the fact that it's further away than I like to drive, I have never had a nice experience there. But I had a gift card! So today after dropping the boys off with some friends at The Jungle, I braved the San Jose store. Ghetto. I hate to be rude, but there you go. I was very glad my kids weren't with me.

As I walked in, I overheard a couple of police officers speaking with a customer and a couple of employees. They were looking over a picture of some kids and discussing the fact that these kids were trouble makers and had been here before. I decided to make this trip as fast as I could. Problem was, the place was so crowded I had a hard time manouvering my cart.

While walking up an isle near bedding, I saw a group of punk teenagers were throwing pillows at each other. One pillow fell to the floor in the middle of the isle. The boys laughed at each other and one kid told the other to pick up the pillow he had just thrown there. No one did. They stepped over it and moved on. The lady next to me rolled her eyes and picked up the pillow.

While looking at some curtains I was debating on whether to buy for my kitchen, a lady walked up to the same curtains, reached over me, and exclaimed to no one in particular, "How much are these?!" She asked as if she was awe-struck by their beauty (the ones she was looking at were pretty hideous, actually). I realized she was actually talking to me much too late to respond, so I ignored her. She didn't leave. She just kept looking at the curtains I was looking at. So I make a quick decision on what I wanted and left.

Then, when I was looking at some thread, another lady walked up behind me, practically pushing my cart aside, chanting "glue, glue, glue, glue".

It was time to leave. Now. I didn't even stop to use the bathroom, even though I'd been needing to go for the last hour. I took my cart and went to the cashier. She didn't even look at me. No "hello, did you find everything you need?" Not even a "have a good day". I swear I could have held a knife up to her and she'd never known it. Did you know the credit card key pad has the question, "was your cashier friendly" on it? I checked the box "no".

Two miles up the road was a Target. I walked in and instantly I knew why I always go to Target instead of Walmart. Friendly employees, normal people, crowded but not stifling.

If I ever get a gift card to Walmart again, you can have it. I don't even care how much it's for, I'm not going there anymore.

Picture Catch-Up

Here is a picture gallery of what we've been up to the last few months...

Jelly Belly Factory

12/31/08

Our family with grandma, the Harline cousins, Uncle Jason & Aunt Jen and kids, Uncle Trent & Aunt Rachel, and Mike & Ruth Seagraves and kids

Mike was generous enough to buy each family a bag of Belly Flops. N~ was holding our bag and while shaking it over his head it suddenly burst open and spilled all over the parking lot. Everyone but N~ thought it was funny. Cousins Samuel and Dove snuck back inside and got us a new bag as a surprise.

When life hands you a bag of lemons...

(or in this case, a spilled bag of Jelly Bellies)
Make a MOSAIC!

2/13/09
Dinner with the sister missionaries

Valentine's Day 2009

In the words of my good friend Kim:

"Who says Valentine's Day has to be S.A.D. (Single Awareness Day)?"

So we got together and celebrated... GIRL POWER style!

"My New Recipe" and Other Cuteness

One day this month while we were driving from here to there, N~ asked if we could "listen to that song My New Recipe". After a few minutes of confusion, I realized he was talking about a song from the You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown musical soundtrack. Its real name is "My New Philosophy". :) We had a good laugh together.

Last week he lost another tooth. He told me that I wasn't allowed to pull it out like last time, because he didn't want it to bleed. Of course, at this point the tooth was hanging by a thread, and he was having a hard time eating and brushing his teeth. But being the good mom that I am, I agreed not to pull it out. After school on Thursday I noticed it was missing, and he said, "Oh yeah! I was playing with it today and it just went 'pop!' And it didn't hurt at all, mom!"

B~ got new glasses this weekend. After the school nurse suggested I take him to an eye doctor for a more thorough exam, he was pretty sure he'd look like a nerd if he had to get glasses. I tried to convince him otherwise, but it wasn't until he started noticing on his own that all his "cool" friends at school had glasses, that he decided it might be okay. We got him a great looking frame that compliments his face, and when he put them on for the first time yesterday he said, "Wow! Everything is so clear! I can see the TV now!" Yes, that's very important. We got the glasses so he could see the TV. Priorities.

Doesn't B~ look intelligent?

Notice the gap in N~'s bottom teeth?

The Infamous "25 Things"

Yeah, so I caved. I've gotten tagged so many times on Facebook with this whole "25 Things You May Not Know About Me" stuff, that I finally decided to join the club. Here goes...

1. I have a strange attraction to the number 5. I'm the 5th in my family, I wear size 5 shoes, I'm 5 feet tall, my birthday both adds up to (the 23rd ... 2 + 3) and subtracts to (1972 ... 7-2) equal the number 5 --- there's more, I'm just too tired, and you're probably bored by now.

2. I whistle when I'm happy, blush at inappropriate times, and giggle when someone tells me a tragic story about themselves.

3. I started playing the flute when I was in the 4th grade and sometimes I still play -- but just in church.

4. I took piano lessons most of my life and never learned theory until I was in my mid-30's.

5. My 10-year-old knows more music theory than I do.

6. My 7-year-old pretends he sleep-walks and climbs into bed with me. I pretend I don't like it.

7. Someday I want to dance to "The Best Thing For You (Would Be Me)" by Nat King Cole and "Everything" by Michael Buble at my wedding.

8. I hate watching TV, but I'm inexplicably addicted to the old series "Charmed". (Thanks a lot, Rach.)

9. I once told my mom that my little brother climbed up the laddice on our back porch to get onto the roof. He got in trouble. But it was really me who did it. I still feel guilty for that.

10. I grew up thinking every family should go girl/boy/girl/boy/girl/boy/girl and couldn't understand what was wrong with everyone else's family!

11. My favorite thing to do on a weekend is curl up in my jammies and a blanket and devour a whole bowl of air-popped popcorn (with real butter and salt) in front of a chick flick.

12. My brothers and sisters and I found a recipe on the box of Cheerios when we were kids called "Hot Buttered O's". It's made by saute-ing a bowl of cheerios in butter on the stove. We ate it for breakfast as often as we could. I still eat them.

13. My first kiss was when I was 12 years old. I'm going to lock my kids up when they turn 12!

14. And since we're on the topic.... I want to end up with a guy who can make my brain go to mush when he kisses me. It's happened only once in my life. (Thank you "S" for showing me it was possible!)

15. When I'm alone I listen to musical theater soundtracks in my car and imagine I'm playing the lead role while I sing along.

16. I think Hugh Jackman should dedicate a song to me before I die.

17. I was a missionary for my church for 18 months when I was 21 years old. I got to meet thousands of people from hundreds of countries that I didn't even know existed. And it all happened on a small 10-acre plot of ground named "Temple Square" in Salt Lake City.

18. I've only been outside of the United States once in my life. I spent Thanksgiving weekend on a beach in a border town in Mexico when I lived in Tucson, AZ.

19. I have a passport. I hope to use it someday.

20. I'm a succor for compliments. Flattery will get you almost anywhere with me!

21. While on said beach in Mexico, in the middle of the night, I used a diaper so I wouldn't have to find a bush. I was 8 months pregnant with my second child. (Those little wonders sure can hold their own!)

22. I cry at least twice a week -- and usually it's not because I'm sad.

23. I secretly jumped for joy when my 10-year-old told me that he had a girlfriend.

24. I eat home-made oatmeal chocolate chip cookie dough when the kids aren't looking.

25. I run a preschool and a school-age after school program. I tell everyone that I miss being a teacher, but really, I like being the boss better!