14 Days

"What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger." Who wrote that??

I think I finally know what that phrase means. Actually, I think that phrase has been popping up in different aspects of my life for about fifteen years now. I remember thinking being single would kill me... until I got married. Then I thought my marriage would kill me... until I got divorced. That's when I thought that being divorced, father-less, and going back into corporate life would kill me. But strangely enough, it didn't, and I even found that happiness could be a part of my life again.

But now I find myself in a state of constant complaining again about this and that and I have to ask myself, "why?" Is it really such a big deal that I've gained a little weight, that I continue to go to bed alone at night, that I haven't been on a date in... yikes, should I admit it?..., or that my job is about to crush me? Okay, so I've spent the last two weeks working 10 - 14 hours a day. (Well, only one of those days ended up being 14 hours. Let's be honest, here.) But when I'm not actually at work I think about work, I worry about work, I even DREAM about work. My employees call me at night and I'm always text messaging back and forth with them helping to solve problems. It's the nature of my position.

My dentist made me a night guard because I've started clenching my jaw at night again and I ended up chipping a tooth. My chiropractor wants to see me every couple of weeks because my headaches are turning into migranes more often than I can remember (I used to only get them about once a year... I've had 4 or 5 in the last two months).

And my dreams...!! They're pocked with anxiety. I dream about the employee I have to fire. I dream about losing my kids. I dream about my ex-husband screaming at me. I dream about my family abandoning me. I dream about being lost and frantic. I dream about someone breaking into my home at night. I dream about having to introduce a fiance I've never met to my family. I even dream about giant tarantulas climbing on me while I sleep!

I take energy medication during the day and sleeping pills at night. (All holistic medication.) I listen to calming music in the car or books on cd. I read before going to bed. (Okay, reading about a vampire family probably doesn't help, but it's entertaining!) And yet I awake in the morning unrested.

Last Sunday I taught the Gospel Doctrine class at church. I thrive teaching the gospel. I'm not especially knowledgable, so I'm always grateful for Dale Mouritsen, our local source of information. I swear he knows everything there is to know about everything (no Eric, I'm not talking about you this time...!), and what he doesn't know he will find out. What I love about teaching is how it forces me to really dive into the scriptures. I look up references; I browse through videos; I find supporting Conference talks. I am immersed in the only true source of happiness. And then the lesson is over and I go back to being the lazy person I've become: reading scriptures only at my kids' bedtime.

I don't exercize. I don't eat healthy. You want to lecture me about that? Go ahead. I've heard everything you're going to say, so don't be surprised if my eyes start to glaze over while you're talking. I barely have time to check my email these days, and this is my first blog since June. It's actually the first time I've been online at home in weeks! My friends wonder what's happened to me, and my family never sees me anymore. My sweet boys have been asking me lately why we don't do anything fun together anymore, and my best friend tells me I'm not following the prophet's counsel because I don't take time for myself.

So that's the background. It's a bunch of sad ramblings and even the most depressed I've been in a very long time. And it's going to stop. Right now.

My new resolve:
#1 - I'm going to study the scriptures before I go to bed every night - personal study, I mean, not just reading to my children. I will do this for seven straight days starting tonight. If I skip or forget one night, I will start over at day one the next night and try again.
#2 - I'm going to start taking a lunch break at work. If I have to work longer than 8 hours, I will find a day during the week to work less than 8 to even it out. I will do this for two weeks starting on Monday.
#3 - I will exercize 20 minutes during my lunch break by walking around the block and clearing my head. I will do this every day starting Monday for two weeks.

I know I should put in a goal for eating better, but I don't want to overwhelm myself right now. Start small, right?

On September 6th I will post another blog. I'm using this blogspot as my source of accountability.

"Goooooo Sheila!!" *cheerleader hands*

I'm off to the temple now. That's the best place I can think of to start. :)