Day One

I read the scriptures last night. It was only half a chapter, but my eyes kept closing on me. It's my own fault, too.

After I finished writing my blog yesterday I checked the clock and then looked at the temple schedule. I had missed the last session. Argh! I was so disappointed in myself that I started to cry.

So I went grocery shopping. And then I stopped at Target and bought three of my newest favorite movies. I watched "P.S. I Love You" when I got home. (I swear that movie makes me want to fall in love with an Irish man. I even did a search for guys in Ireland on ldslinkup before I went to bed. Dumb. I'll never do that again.)

During the movie I got down on the floor and did a straddle stretch. Ouch. I'm much more stiff than I ever remember being. So I spent almost half the movie doing different stretches before some leg lifts and a few sit ups. I felt better afterward. I'm starting small. Very small. But I think it won't take long before I get back to where I was. I really want to be in shape again. Really.

Tonight I did something social. It was just a potluck at the singles ward and then a fireside (which was absolutely amazing!) but it was something. I even got brave at the fireside and sat next to someone I met at a party on the 4th of July this year. He didn't remember me at first. We talked for a couple minutes then he excused himself to take a phone call. When he came back he said he was going to sit with a few friends he saw in the back, but not to take it personally. I didn't. Well, maybe just a little. I sat by myself for a while and then my girlfriend came in and sat next to me. When did I become so self-conscious about being alone at a social function?? And what am I doing looking for "him" still? It's so pointless these days.

But I'm getting off the subject.

Okay, so far I'm doing well on my goals. Tomorrow I will take a lunch break and a walk. By the way, I'm changing my scripture reading goal to 14 days to be consistent with my other two goals. One down, 13 to go. :)

On a side note (again)... I'm glad I went to church today. I hate walking into the chapel without my children. (They're at their dad's this weekend.) It feels lonely and odd and I almost wanted to just sit in the foyer and listen to the talks from afar. But I didn't. And I'm glad. I was still a little mad at myself for missing the temple yesterday, so when I walked into Sacrament Meeting I was surprised at how peaceful I felt. I said a prayer of thanks to Heavenly Father for the gift. I felt I needed His forgiveness and His loving response made me feel like closing my eyes and breathing in the tranquility. I love this gospel. It's such a blessing to know that my Father is aware of me and that He loves me dispite my gross short-comings.

See you tomorrow.

14 Days

"What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger." Who wrote that??

I think I finally know what that phrase means. Actually, I think that phrase has been popping up in different aspects of my life for about fifteen years now. I remember thinking being single would kill me... until I got married. Then I thought my marriage would kill me... until I got divorced. That's when I thought that being divorced, father-less, and going back into corporate life would kill me. But strangely enough, it didn't, and I even found that happiness could be a part of my life again.

But now I find myself in a state of constant complaining again about this and that and I have to ask myself, "why?" Is it really such a big deal that I've gained a little weight, that I continue to go to bed alone at night, that I haven't been on a date in... yikes, should I admit it?..., or that my job is about to crush me? Okay, so I've spent the last two weeks working 10 - 14 hours a day. (Well, only one of those days ended up being 14 hours. Let's be honest, here.) But when I'm not actually at work I think about work, I worry about work, I even DREAM about work. My employees call me at night and I'm always text messaging back and forth with them helping to solve problems. It's the nature of my position.

My dentist made me a night guard because I've started clenching my jaw at night again and I ended up chipping a tooth. My chiropractor wants to see me every couple of weeks because my headaches are turning into migranes more often than I can remember (I used to only get them about once a year... I've had 4 or 5 in the last two months).

And my dreams...!! They're pocked with anxiety. I dream about the employee I have to fire. I dream about losing my kids. I dream about my ex-husband screaming at me. I dream about my family abandoning me. I dream about being lost and frantic. I dream about someone breaking into my home at night. I dream about having to introduce a fiance I've never met to my family. I even dream about giant tarantulas climbing on me while I sleep!

I take energy medication during the day and sleeping pills at night. (All holistic medication.) I listen to calming music in the car or books on cd. I read before going to bed. (Okay, reading about a vampire family probably doesn't help, but it's entertaining!) And yet I awake in the morning unrested.

Last Sunday I taught the Gospel Doctrine class at church. I thrive teaching the gospel. I'm not especially knowledgable, so I'm always grateful for Dale Mouritsen, our local source of information. I swear he knows everything there is to know about everything (no Eric, I'm not talking about you this time...!), and what he doesn't know he will find out. What I love about teaching is how it forces me to really dive into the scriptures. I look up references; I browse through videos; I find supporting Conference talks. I am immersed in the only true source of happiness. And then the lesson is over and I go back to being the lazy person I've become: reading scriptures only at my kids' bedtime.

I don't exercize. I don't eat healthy. You want to lecture me about that? Go ahead. I've heard everything you're going to say, so don't be surprised if my eyes start to glaze over while you're talking. I barely have time to check my email these days, and this is my first blog since June. It's actually the first time I've been online at home in weeks! My friends wonder what's happened to me, and my family never sees me anymore. My sweet boys have been asking me lately why we don't do anything fun together anymore, and my best friend tells me I'm not following the prophet's counsel because I don't take time for myself.

So that's the background. It's a bunch of sad ramblings and even the most depressed I've been in a very long time. And it's going to stop. Right now.

My new resolve:
#1 - I'm going to study the scriptures before I go to bed every night - personal study, I mean, not just reading to my children. I will do this for seven straight days starting tonight. If I skip or forget one night, I will start over at day one the next night and try again.
#2 - I'm going to start taking a lunch break at work. If I have to work longer than 8 hours, I will find a day during the week to work less than 8 to even it out. I will do this for two weeks starting on Monday.
#3 - I will exercize 20 minutes during my lunch break by walking around the block and clearing my head. I will do this every day starting Monday for two weeks.

I know I should put in a goal for eating better, but I don't want to overwhelm myself right now. Start small, right?

On September 6th I will post another blog. I'm using this blogspot as my source of accountability.

"Goooooo Sheila!!" *cheerleader hands*

I'm off to the temple now. That's the best place I can think of to start. :)

June 21st

My dad.

My "pop-belly", gentle dentist, cough-crying, hug me so tight I can't breathe, tell the same jokes a million times, daughter protecting, insightful, inspiring, God fearing, Sunday comics reading, Bugs Bunny cartoon loving, t.v. watching, Elvis look-a-like, piano playing, bass clef singing, sensitive, big handed, ballroom dancing, always giving when receiving is needed, quote stealing, always whistling dad.

Today I cleaned my room - because dad always quoted "cleanliness is next to Godliness".

Today I watched a movie - because dad loved the movies.

Today I read a book - because dad loved to read.

Today I ate ice cream - because dad loved ice cream.

Today I popped pop corn - because dad was the best popcorn popper that ever lived.

Today he's been gone for six years.

Today I missed my dad.

AAAACK!

Sometimes a week can feel like a lifetime. Last Friday I started my day with staffing issues that would send any sane person in the opposite direction. By the end of the day I was ready to fire them all and start anew. But I survived and they're all still here and I still love them. (They're lucky!) At 2:45 I finally ended a conversation with a needy parent on the phone and rushed off campus to grab my kids and start the drive up to Sacramento. (I'm sure the look on my face said, "Don't try to stop and talk to me, I'm in a hurry and your issues can wait until Monday.") At 3:30 we were in the carpool lane on I-880. At 5:00 we finally made it through Pleasanton (on any normal day, the distance between home and Pleasanton is about 20 minutes). Turns out, someone was stabbed to death and the entire freeway was shut down for most of the day. By 7:30 we were pulling into Granite Bay. I've never been happier to see my friend Mike in all my life! (Thanks for the bone-crushing hug, buddy. I needed that.) At 8:00 we were all splashing around in the pool to save us from the blistering heat of what was to become a horribly frustrating weekend!

Saturday's Highlights = 104 degrees outside; Acrobatic Gymnastics State Championships (which means we were sitting on the bleachers for about 4 hours straight); Mike's house got ransacked by a neighbor's kid while we were gone; baby fell in the pool and was saved by my 6-year-old; bathroom flooded; baby pooped on the ground; both my boys competing for the attention of the same girl; "tall, dark, and handsome" not so suave.

Sunday turned out to be almost as disastrous. (I won't even attempt to type in the details.) I've never been so happy to be home! I walked in the house, kicked off my shoes, shut my door and took a two hour nap. I'm glad my kids are self-sufficient enough to figure out what to do when mom's out of comission.

Monday ended with a little boy falling off the monkey bars and breaking his arm. I made a make-shift splint with two wooden rulers and an ace bandage, then tied a sling around his neck before sending him to the hospital with his dad.

Tuesday I had the unpleasant task of calling Child Protective Services. There are some parts of my job I don't enjoy.

Wendesday at 5:45 am I was awakened by the loudest crash I've ever heard. We thought it was an earthquake, but after some investigation I realized my shelf in the closest had just fallen off the wall and crashed down to the floor. What a mess! Ironically enough, at school that morning we endured a district-wide disaster drill, simulating a massive earthquake. We had the task of trying to entertain hundreds of children on the blacktop with quiet activities for over an hour while certain teachers and students pretended to be seriously injured.

Thursday I was informed that one of our Kindergarteners wasn't on the yard at pick-up time and after going through all the normal procedures to find her, I realized I'd have to call 911 if I failed to get ahold of anyone. Thank goodness I found an aunt who was able to contact mom (who had picked up her child after school and forgot to tell us). :/

Friday I got a call from one of my teachers who told me her daughter had just broken her leg for the second time. Plus, the wind was blowing smoke to us from the fires in Santa Cruz and parents were worried about their kids being outside. Two more staff called in to say they weren't coming: a total of 1 teacher and 2 aides now off for the day.

Today I slept in. I cleaned up the mess in the closet and got absolutely nothing else accomplished. I'm now off to prepare my Relief Society lesson for tomorrow.

What doesn't kill me....

I lauged. I couldn't help it.

Thanks to my good friend whom I will refer to as "Weeuuu!!!" I really needed to laugh today. You rock!

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

JOHN McCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE ' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive acro ss the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hard working American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine al l the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Middle Finger

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"Mom, look, you're cutting my middle finger nail."

"Yep."

"And I'm pointing with my middle finger."

"Yes, I see that."

"Mom? What does that mean when you point your middle finger at someone?"

"It's a really mean and nasty gesture. It means 'f. you'."

"Fu?"

"No honey, not 'fu'."

So I spelled the words out. And out of my little 6-year-old's mouth came the word I was trying to avoid saying.

"Yes, dear. And please don't ever say it again. It's the worst of the bad words. K?"

"K. But what does f~ mean?"

*Sigh*

"It's kind of a yucky way of saying 'sex'."

"What's sex?"

364 Kids' Days

Mother's Day 2008. I woke up to the boys quietly shutting my bedroom door, making themselves breakfast, and peeking in on me now and then to see if I was done sleeping in yet.

So I got out of bed.

"Wait Mom! Don't come out yet until we say!"

Fine. I wait. I wonder what's up their sleeves this year.

"Ok, walk out into the hall...... SURPRISE!!!!!!" They jumped out at me, arms in the air, wiggling their hands like a couple of cheerleaders. I now have my very own cheer squad. (Uh, minus a few members and a whole lot of girls... but oh well!)

All day we got to focus on mom (that's me). Actually, it started the night before with my longest-time friend who agreed to babysit so I could go to a formal dinner for PAEYC (the local chapter of the National Association for the Education of Young Children.... I'm on the board). Anyway, when I got home around 10 pm she told me the boys had just now gone to bed. I was a little surprised at the late hour, but then I looked around and realized they had cleaned the ENTIRE house for me. The sitter told them they should "do something nice for mom, because she's always doing something nice for you." And then I looked on the table. B~ walked out of the bedroom groggily and announced that the purple flowers were from him because he knows how much I love purple. The blue ones were from N~, and the pink from the sitter. They were beautiful!

At church the boys sang with the other Primary children the normal "Mother I Love You" and "Quickly I'll Obey" songs. And after the meeting the youth group passed out the traditional See's candy boxes while the bishop had all the moms, grandmas, great-grandmas, etc. stand to be recognized. I love tradition.

So here's the kicker.

After church I noticed B~ acting a bit sulky.

"What's wrong, B~? Did something happen at church today?"

"No. Nothing's wrong. I'm just not happy right now."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"Okay. Let us know when you do."

We got in the car. He started crying.

"Honey? What's up?"

"Well, why do we have to spend ALL DAY celebrating just moms? I mean, when is it KIDS DAY?!"