Why can't I swear??!!!

Today I came home to a newly paved driveway. I live in a mobile home park. The owner sent out a letter about a month ago letting us know the schedule for the driveway repavement project. My street's day was today. So last night I moved the garbage cans, the recycling bins, and the foot mat off the driveway in preparation. I got home from work and thought how beautiful it looked to have a new and very black driveway. There was a wooden "horse" in front of the driveway indicating that I couldn't park there, so I drove around the block to park in visitor parking. Nothing was available. I wouldn't have minded going to another visitor parking, and thought that walking a few blocks would do me good. But I'm getting ready to take a weekend trip with some friends, and the thought of lugging my suitcase, food, sleeping bag, etc. for who knows how many blocks to my car wasn't looking like a great idea to me. So I punched on the hazzard lights and parked in front of the house.

I walked up to the door and noticed it was part way open. Grumble. My ex-husband had already stopped by to pick up the boys' clothes for the weekend and didn't close the door all the way. Typical. I couldn't expect anything else from this man. Grumble again. I walked inside and did a quick assessment. Good. No signs of "unwanted visitors". My laptop was still sitting on the counter where I left it and nothing seemed to be out of place.

While I was finishing the last of the laundry and gathering stuff for the weekend, I hear a familiar honking outside. My car has a theft feature on it (THANK GOODNESS) and will give four fast short honks if the car hasn't been broken into but is being violated in some way. I recognized it right away and sprinted out the door. Sure enough, the tow truck was taking my car! I waved my arms and yelled "STOP!" He saw me in his rear-view mirror. I ran to the passenger side of the truck and tried to open the door. Locked. I looked at him. He looked back. I couldn't believe the stupidity of this man! I indicated he should roll down the window. He did. A crack. I stepped up onto the truck to talk to him through the window. Here's our conversation:

Me: "Hey, I'm right here. I had to park out front because the driveway was just redone."
Him: "Well, you should have parked in visitor parking."
Me: "I tried. There weren't any spaces left."
Him: "Sorry, I was told to tow anyone parked on the street."
Me: "But I'm trying to leave for the weekend and I'm packing my car. I can't lug my suitcase 3 or 4 blocks just because my driveway is unavailable."
Him: "Sorry. There's nothing I can do."
Me: "Yes there is! I'm right here! You can unhook my car and leave it here!"
Him: "That will cost you $82."
Me: "Are you kidding me?! I'M RIGHT HERE!"
Him: "If you hadn't caught me inside the park, it would cost $120, ma'am."
Me: "Fine. You take checks?"
Him: "Just cash. Or credit card."
Me: "I'll go get my card. Don't take my car. I'll be right back."

So I ran back inside to grab my Visa. He wouldn't unhook my car until the transaction was complete. I asked him why he couldn't just give us a break on this street, since we couldn't use our driveways. He just said that "the owner" told him to tow any car that wasn't in visitor parking during the driveway repavement. Jerk. After he unhooked my car, he left it right there IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET. I still had to go back inside my house to get my keys. I looked down the street at the woman who was parked there talking to a neighbor. I had heard the tow truck guy look at her, too, and mutter to himself, "now I gotta go get that one." So I cupped my hands to my mouth and shouted, "MOVE YOUR CAR! HE'S COMING TO GET YOU NEXT!" She yelled back "thank you" and ran to the driver's side. I think she got it moved before he could get around the block to her. Jerk. GREAT BIG JERK!

And now there's $82 less in my bank account. ARGH! WHY CAN'T I SWEAR??!!!!

Instead, I decided to yank the wooden horse up and throw it down the street. I parked in my driveway. So there.

Not quite two months later...

I know, I didn't return to report.

BUT...
I'm happy to say that my reading habits were fantastic! And although I haven't yet cemented the "read on my own every night" part of studying the scriptures, I never miss a night reading with my kids. And they are chock full of questions that make me think! Tonight they decided together that I would have a "night off" and they took turns reading the entire chapter aloud to me. I laid back and draped my arms over my eyes while I listened. It was great. And B~ even looked at the footnotes to find out what "the seventy and seventh year of the reign of the judges" really means. He didn't even ask me how to find the answer! I am often very proud of (and surprised at) my children.

Now. The weight. Not good. Still gaining. Still not exercising. Still not taking a lunch break most days. Still not getting out much. My clothes are so tight I often wonder at the beginning of the day if I'll have to undo a button after I eat breakfast. I'd ask for help in this area, but no one can help me but me, I know that. I have no motiviation. I don't really feel like exercising. I am exhausted at the end of the day. And getting up earlier than 5:30 AM just isn't going to happen. So if there's no solution, then why bother complaining, you ask? BECAUSE THIS IS MY BLOG, DANG IT! AND I'LL COMPLAIN IF I FEEL LIKE IT! So there. And I don't want to hear any stupid comments about how "skinny people like you don't really know what it feels like to REALLY gain weight". Blah, blah, blah. Well, you're probably right. The fact is, I don't like the way I look. I don't like the way I feel. And my goals aren't working because I have no motivation.

Well, I'll have to figure that one out later.

Since ending on a sour note isn't my favorite thing to do, I'm going to proudly report that by the end of November 2008 I will officially be 100% out of debt. Hooray!! Hooray!! I guess all this crazy overtime I've been working is doing me a favor at least in one area of my life. :)

Day Two and Day Three

Last night I read the scriptures for a longer period of time. But I was still falling asleep. I didn't exercise because it was Sunday.

Today I took a lunch but didn't go walking. Darn it. First day of my new goal and already I've failed half way. I'll have to do better tomorrow. At my defense, it wasn't a typical day since school doesn't start until tomorrow and my staff and I had a BBQ together after our staff meeting before we got to work setting up the classrooms for tomorrow.

I did do something unusual today though. I left work a little early and cashed in on a gift certificate I've been hanging onto for about 18 months. I had a two-hour massage and it was so incredible! If I could afford it I'd buy one for every single member on my staff. If ever we've needed such a thing, it's right now.

I picked up my boys from the airport tonight. Uncle Dan gave us each a "Father's" blessing. Afterward B~ (my eldest) told me that he felt like crying during the blessings. I could tell he was touched by the Spirit. He told me he knew it was the Spirit that made him feel like crying. He's way beyond his age when it comes to the gospel. I hope his physical body has time to catch up one of these days! N~ was also very touched by the Spirit tonight. He sat very still during each blessing, and even though he commented that they were long, he still had a reverence about him that I've only rarely seen from him. I am so blessed to have these boys in my life!

Off to read the scriptures. (Already read to my boys, but I'm determined to keep my personal study habits going, even though it's nearly 10pm.)

Bye till tomorrow!

On a Different Note...

I went to a staff development meeting last week. They invited a guy to come in and give a "pep talk" of sorts for all the teachers since this is the beginning of a new school year. He said some stuff that I've already heard a million times, including how to make goals. (Now you know why I'm suddenly on another goal-making kick.) Here's something else we did:


5 Things I Like Most About Myself and Why

1. I'm a mom -- Because it's what I've always wanted to be.
2. I'm divorced -- Because I was forced to learn how to be independent
3. I'm short -- Because I can date both tall and short men ;)
4. I'm passionate -- Because it aides my ability to empathize (and because it's fun)
5. My religion -- Because it makes me happy and gives me peace in a troubled time

5 Things I Like Least About Myself and Why

1. I'm divorced -- (I know, it's on both lists) Because it's lonely and difficult
2. I'm short -- (again, both lists) Because it's often inconvenient
3. I'm high-strung -- It's exhausting
4. My facial moles and lip hair -- (call me vain) Because they're distracting from my beauty ;)
5. I'm out of shape -- Because I'm often tired and weaker than I want to be

My Top Ten Priorities

(I actually surprised myself as I was writing these.)

1. My children
2. The Gospel of Jesus Christ
3. My family
4. My job
5. My mental health
6. My physical health
7. Getting financially independent again
8. Finding a mate
9. Buying a house
10. Getting published

Day One

I read the scriptures last night. It was only half a chapter, but my eyes kept closing on me. It's my own fault, too.

After I finished writing my blog yesterday I checked the clock and then looked at the temple schedule. I had missed the last session. Argh! I was so disappointed in myself that I started to cry.

So I went grocery shopping. And then I stopped at Target and bought three of my newest favorite movies. I watched "P.S. I Love You" when I got home. (I swear that movie makes me want to fall in love with an Irish man. I even did a search for guys in Ireland on ldslinkup before I went to bed. Dumb. I'll never do that again.)

During the movie I got down on the floor and did a straddle stretch. Ouch. I'm much more stiff than I ever remember being. So I spent almost half the movie doing different stretches before some leg lifts and a few sit ups. I felt better afterward. I'm starting small. Very small. But I think it won't take long before I get back to where I was. I really want to be in shape again. Really.

Tonight I did something social. It was just a potluck at the singles ward and then a fireside (which was absolutely amazing!) but it was something. I even got brave at the fireside and sat next to someone I met at a party on the 4th of July this year. He didn't remember me at first. We talked for a couple minutes then he excused himself to take a phone call. When he came back he said he was going to sit with a few friends he saw in the back, but not to take it personally. I didn't. Well, maybe just a little. I sat by myself for a while and then my girlfriend came in and sat next to me. When did I become so self-conscious about being alone at a social function?? And what am I doing looking for "him" still? It's so pointless these days.

But I'm getting off the subject.

Okay, so far I'm doing well on my goals. Tomorrow I will take a lunch break and a walk. By the way, I'm changing my scripture reading goal to 14 days to be consistent with my other two goals. One down, 13 to go. :)

On a side note (again)... I'm glad I went to church today. I hate walking into the chapel without my children. (They're at their dad's this weekend.) It feels lonely and odd and I almost wanted to just sit in the foyer and listen to the talks from afar. But I didn't. And I'm glad. I was still a little mad at myself for missing the temple yesterday, so when I walked into Sacrament Meeting I was surprised at how peaceful I felt. I said a prayer of thanks to Heavenly Father for the gift. I felt I needed His forgiveness and His loving response made me feel like closing my eyes and breathing in the tranquility. I love this gospel. It's such a blessing to know that my Father is aware of me and that He loves me dispite my gross short-comings.

See you tomorrow.

14 Days

"What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger." Who wrote that??

I think I finally know what that phrase means. Actually, I think that phrase has been popping up in different aspects of my life for about fifteen years now. I remember thinking being single would kill me... until I got married. Then I thought my marriage would kill me... until I got divorced. That's when I thought that being divorced, father-less, and going back into corporate life would kill me. But strangely enough, it didn't, and I even found that happiness could be a part of my life again.

But now I find myself in a state of constant complaining again about this and that and I have to ask myself, "why?" Is it really such a big deal that I've gained a little weight, that I continue to go to bed alone at night, that I haven't been on a date in... yikes, should I admit it?..., or that my job is about to crush me? Okay, so I've spent the last two weeks working 10 - 14 hours a day. (Well, only one of those days ended up being 14 hours. Let's be honest, here.) But when I'm not actually at work I think about work, I worry about work, I even DREAM about work. My employees call me at night and I'm always text messaging back and forth with them helping to solve problems. It's the nature of my position.

My dentist made me a night guard because I've started clenching my jaw at night again and I ended up chipping a tooth. My chiropractor wants to see me every couple of weeks because my headaches are turning into migranes more often than I can remember (I used to only get them about once a year... I've had 4 or 5 in the last two months).

And my dreams...!! They're pocked with anxiety. I dream about the employee I have to fire. I dream about losing my kids. I dream about my ex-husband screaming at me. I dream about my family abandoning me. I dream about being lost and frantic. I dream about someone breaking into my home at night. I dream about having to introduce a fiance I've never met to my family. I even dream about giant tarantulas climbing on me while I sleep!

I take energy medication during the day and sleeping pills at night. (All holistic medication.) I listen to calming music in the car or books on cd. I read before going to bed. (Okay, reading about a vampire family probably doesn't help, but it's entertaining!) And yet I awake in the morning unrested.

Last Sunday I taught the Gospel Doctrine class at church. I thrive teaching the gospel. I'm not especially knowledgable, so I'm always grateful for Dale Mouritsen, our local source of information. I swear he knows everything there is to know about everything (no Eric, I'm not talking about you this time...!), and what he doesn't know he will find out. What I love about teaching is how it forces me to really dive into the scriptures. I look up references; I browse through videos; I find supporting Conference talks. I am immersed in the only true source of happiness. And then the lesson is over and I go back to being the lazy person I've become: reading scriptures only at my kids' bedtime.

I don't exercize. I don't eat healthy. You want to lecture me about that? Go ahead. I've heard everything you're going to say, so don't be surprised if my eyes start to glaze over while you're talking. I barely have time to check my email these days, and this is my first blog since June. It's actually the first time I've been online at home in weeks! My friends wonder what's happened to me, and my family never sees me anymore. My sweet boys have been asking me lately why we don't do anything fun together anymore, and my best friend tells me I'm not following the prophet's counsel because I don't take time for myself.

So that's the background. It's a bunch of sad ramblings and even the most depressed I've been in a very long time. And it's going to stop. Right now.

My new resolve:
#1 - I'm going to study the scriptures before I go to bed every night - personal study, I mean, not just reading to my children. I will do this for seven straight days starting tonight. If I skip or forget one night, I will start over at day one the next night and try again.
#2 - I'm going to start taking a lunch break at work. If I have to work longer than 8 hours, I will find a day during the week to work less than 8 to even it out. I will do this for two weeks starting on Monday.
#3 - I will exercize 20 minutes during my lunch break by walking around the block and clearing my head. I will do this every day starting Monday for two weeks.

I know I should put in a goal for eating better, but I don't want to overwhelm myself right now. Start small, right?

On September 6th I will post another blog. I'm using this blogspot as my source of accountability.

"Goooooo Sheila!!" *cheerleader hands*

I'm off to the temple now. That's the best place I can think of to start. :)

June 21st

My dad.

My "pop-belly", gentle dentist, cough-crying, hug me so tight I can't breathe, tell the same jokes a million times, daughter protecting, insightful, inspiring, God fearing, Sunday comics reading, Bugs Bunny cartoon loving, t.v. watching, Elvis look-a-like, piano playing, bass clef singing, sensitive, big handed, ballroom dancing, always giving when receiving is needed, quote stealing, always whistling dad.

Today I cleaned my room - because dad always quoted "cleanliness is next to Godliness".

Today I watched a movie - because dad loved the movies.

Today I read a book - because dad loved to read.

Today I ate ice cream - because dad loved ice cream.

Today I popped pop corn - because dad was the best popcorn popper that ever lived.

Today he's been gone for six years.

Today I missed my dad.